Many celebrities on this site namely,ERYKAH BADU,HALLE BERRY,TINY TAMEKA COTTLE, have been reprimanded for being unwed mothers. Many BCK readers have had their different opinions about  wedlock or lack thereof:

So how did being born out of wedlock effect your upbringing????
What is wedlock but A PIECE OF PAPER!

Like I said or like I’m going to say MARRIAGE ISN’T A GUARANTEE OF NOTHING!


What will become of you and your offspring. Will you two crawl up in a hole and die??

Will you not move on ???

Being married or NOT being married is not what’s wrong with the Black and Latino community.

Fathers playing an active role in their children lives is of course a big problem but who says that they have to be married to the child’s mother??

Badu has repeatedly said that ALL of her children Fathers are in the picture and that right there is a POSITIVE!~PrettySanchez

Out of wedlock children, and the problems they typically face affects not only the family to which those children belong, but also the community at large. Yes, Badu’s situation is unique in that she presumably has enough money to care for her children (although we really don’t know how much money she has ….and if she went broke tomorrow she wouldn’t be the first millionaire turned bankrupt), but no amount of money can heal the wounds that comes with not having the father in the home. ….this is an epidemic that is running rampant in the black community. I know this issue is hurtful for a lot of us because we usually were born out of wedlock ourselves or have children out of wedlock (me, myself am a married woman w/ no children but was born out of wedlock). But just because something hurts or is too tough to face doesn’t mean we should ignore it or make it into a right.~NotBuyingIt


Part of the reason marriage doesn’t last is because in this modern day era, it’s cool to just have babies and not marry. There is no attachment to the two. ESPECIALLY if the father is in the child’s life.Marriage is ordained by God and it’s the whole package, due to this fallen world we live it’s not perfect however it’s more doable than our current society makes it out to be.

And I do say this as a single mom, thank God for redemption:) And nevertheless look forward to marrying one day and having more children in wedlock~Db

…like so many people have said before, marriage is not for everyone. And just because you marry someone does not guarantee they will stay together forever. I also agree with the fact that no one should get married just because they have a baby or get pregnant. That is ridiculous. Honestly, if i were to get pregnant and my boyfriend said “i think we should get married”, i would say no. My first question would be, “why, because we are going 2 have a baby so you think it’s the right thing 2 do.?” I don’t think so. You didn’t want 2 marry me however long ago before we found out why all of a sudden now”.~Shoneydip


  • It is frequently reported that the divorce rate in America is 50%. This data is not accurately correct, however, it is reasonably close to actual. The Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that “Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue.”, which is actually a projection.
  • The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
    The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
    The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%
  • The children of divorced parents are prone to divorcing 4 times more than the children of couples who are not divorced.
  • Some benefits of healthy marriages:Lower teen age pregnancy rates,Lower rates of juvenile delinquency,lower rates of STD’s
  • Median age at first divorce is Male=30.5 and Females=29
  • Fatherless homes account for 63% of youth suicides, 90% of homeless/runaway children, 85% of children with behavior problems, 71% of high school dropouts, 85% of youths in prison, well over 50% of teen mothers.

BCK Says:So what are your thoughts on marriage?Is it a necessary means in order for children to grow up in an healthy environment? Do you condone people having children out of wedlock?


~ by blackcelebritykids on October 11, 2008.


  1. Believe it or not, marriage is more than a piece of paper it’s ordained by God and it’s a physical example of the marriage that Christ has with the church.

    The Christian is the bride of Christ, that are called to be faithful to Him, and spread the gospel making disciples. Disciples being children of God that are taught by fellow believers who take them under their wing. Husband Wife= Christ & Believer, Children = Disciples.

    So as stated believe or not as I know everyone do not and not even many Christians know this to be fact but this is what marriage is about. God says even the divorced on this planet (without biblical cause) are married in his sight as He hates divorce. It’s a serious commitment and beyond the individuals that engage in it. And like Christ who doesn’t leave the one He has redeemed, that is the commitment that we are to embrace in marriage and why it needs to be taken seriously and why we cannot marry just anyone. The judgement applies to all rather you believe or not when it comes to standing before God when this life is over

    Also, sex is exclusive to the married couple. Because we are in a fallen world it’s whatever, whatever anyone wants to do goes and indeed as has been stated, it effects everyone across the board in both obvious and subtle ways.

    Now also what has to be stated when bringing up Christianity, all of the individuals mentioned have the ability to repent, just as I have as one who had a child out of wedlock, crazy thing about it is I knew that God was drawing me in while I was messing with her dad but continued to do what I wanted to do. Yet He’s gracious and forgiving. And that same forgiveness is available for them however they are a reflection of a fallen world of people who love their sin as God states and also says to stay in these things, one stores up wrath for themself.

    So bottom line problem Sin, solution Christ. And this will simply read as religious to many but is indeed fact.

  2. Don’t forget about Kim Porter, Lebron James girlfriend and La La.

  3. Very, very, very well-said, db!!! 🙂

  4. DB= Everyone is not a Christian.

    But as long as the father is a responsible person, not into wrong doings then it’s good if he is in the child’s life. If he is alcoholic, crackhead, womanizer and whatnot having him in the child’s life would be a bad thing.

    Everyone is not right for marriage. In the case of people who have a good amount of money, then financially they don’t need to be married. Sure having their sperm donor there (if he is on a good enough path) would be good, but it’s not a must.

  5. It’s not okay, I dont care how rich you are, it’s a poor example, if it was me..i’d be a whore.
    yeah marriage is a piece of paper, but commitment unprotected sex leads to more than just babies, you can catch more than a baby without protection.

    I’m not a christian so this is not a religious issue with me.
    it’s just a bad look. PERIOD.

  6. well in the last 50 years things have changed in the world dramatically. u got married at a young age divorce didnt look rite and so on and so on. i dont believe that you have to be married to have children. i do believe that you should wait to have children. i do think that children in a married home do benefit more but there is more to life then being married. mostly in my eyes i think that ppl should wait until they are emotionally, finicially and home stable. i also believe tht every man should be in their childrens lives. i dont like the fact that my cousin has to grow up without a father because someone decided to take his life. and as few men in her life i try to be there for her as most as possible. i dont believe you have to be blood to be a father to someone, but thats how a lot of men feel. i really dont care bout married or not married i think as long as the child is taken care in a healthly environment it shouldnt matter about being married… thats just my personal opinion in itself

  7. Let’s not forget about our ‘sports-celebs’. (Sir Charles)

  8. db marriage is a piece of paper.
    what gives it meaning if is the couple are honest & committed to the relationship. Sadly many times ppl rnt.

  9. Excellent points, DB. People say: “Everyone isn’t meant for marriage.” So let me see if I have this right. You can lie down with a man, have his kid (some more than one child by the same man), live with him, yet they are not good enough for marriage? When people say “marriage is just a piece of paper,” I wonder if they have really researched what marriage is REALLY about. That “piece of paper” represents so much. Like DB stated, it’s about commitment, taking a vow (if you don’t believe in God, you are still taking a vow to each other before man), and many other benefits.

    In my opinion, this baby mama/daddy stuff is not cute. It has become so excepted in our community to the point where there are some young ladies that brag about being able to “hold it down” without the child’s father. This scenario is not working for the betterment of our community. We can have all the “what if’s” “and what nots” all we want, but the fact remains that 70% of black households are headed by the mother and the fathers are not a part of their childrens’ lives. There are many repercussions that have assisted in our downfall. Look at the stats; there’s not denying it. Just my opinion.

  10. Let’s not leave out Nicole Richie, Mel B, and Lisa Bonet as well. They all have kids out of wedlock as well. What really matters is how they are brought up. Right now, judging from the photos, the cute babies are all well-cared and well-loved.

  11. Wow! Those stats from BCK were very interesting and informative. I don’t have children yet, I’m still fairly young. But I never thought about how being a child of divorce effects children. I always figure that I’ll marry who I love and if it doesn’t work out I wouldn’t worry about the chilldren I’ll be the one make sure that my kids are happy, safe, and well-adjusted. The stats that BCK listed made me realize that no matter how hard I try I may not be able to do it alone. Thanks BCK. Puts a whole new perspective on things really.

  12. I have to say this. I am married and have four children. My husband and I have been married almost ten years. I made a wise choice as far as my husband and the father of my kids. I agree marriage is not for everyone. Because it is not for everyone the ones who marriage is not for should not do things meant for married people.

    God intended for children to have two parents, that why it takes two to make them. A lot of people make unwise decisions when it comes to picking partners. They pick people who are abusive, philanderer, drug addicts or who different views on how to raise their families’. This is what results in all the failed marriages. If you make a comment with someone you have to first make sure that the person is commitment worthy.

  13. Speaking for myself , I was raised by my mother . My father was killed when I was 6 yrs old. If he wasn’t killed , I’m sure he would have been someone high ranked in the Army . When I was younger I yearned for a father whenever I seen other little kids with their father. I think black men carry the “burden:’ to be a family man !! I do beleive that people shouldn’t have kids out of wed lock . I think a “family” is the core foundation of all things!! Family teachs , values, discipline, respect and great preparation!! Too many women is making their kids their “paycheck” and not wcaring about the emotional inpact that the child will encounter once they come of age . Men also need to think “Im I ready to be a family man , not just a father ” “A father” takes care of his child finicially and mentally a “Family man” takes care of all the “Family issues ” A strong male backbone is the stem to a healthly family !!!

  14. I respect all your opinions. I truly do.. But the roots of marriage is not about love. Its about business…period! Marriage was a business deal between men. Between a woman’s father and her new husband. Women had no say so about who she was going to marry. She belonged to her father then her husband for life. Because women were seen as property not equal partners. You may ask what does that have to do with the state of marriage today. I think a lot! Most women want a partner not a boss. And sadly some men don’t want to let go of their pastime paradise. And most women today are not buying into… it’s her job to make the marriage work. That it’s better to have a bad husband/marriage then no husband at all. Its a load of crap… No one is holding these men who get 3 and 4 women pregnant then bounce. Accountable for bring all these kids into the world. And don’t think about marrying their mothers. But people are up and arms when a women takes control of their life. With all that being said… Sometimes Mr Right is hard to find. And you look up and you’re 40+ years old. So what do you do?! Stay childless or find someone you get along with(friendly) and have the child you want (unwed)? Basically we’re all here trying our best. No one has the right answer for everybody. I’m not knockin marriage. Because at its best (two equal partners trying to make it work) its a beautiful thing.

  15. One more thing then I’m out! The problems in our society isn’t because kids are growing up in unwed households. Its lazy *** parenting. Just because you don’t live with you child. Doesn’t make it okay for you to phone in your parenting duties. You need to be there for your kid. You need to talk to them EVERYDAY not once a week or only on the weekends. And keep your promises too… your word needs to be good as gold with your child. When kids start to feel unloved or unwanted they go looking for love outside of their family. And thats what leads to trouble.

  16. Dee I agree with you on some points you made, However I some I respectfully disagree. No one is holding these men who get 3 and 4 women pregnant then bounce. Accountable for bring all these kids into the world. Like this right here.

    The first woman that gets pregnant for a deadbeat gets some lee-way (just a little bit) but any others that come along and have a kid for the guy is getting just what they are looking for. If he left one child and is not involved with the kid chances are he will do it again. In some cases the women that get involved with these losers may not know about previous kids he has left behind, even still I am certain that the guy was giving off plenty of other signals that should have warned the ladies that he was not a stand up guy.

    You know the kind of guy that is ready to settle down and commit to being a husband and father. It is as much the womens’ fault as it is the men. It takes two to tango. It all goes back to what I said about making wise choices. Make them before having sex with someone let alone have a kid. It could after all save your life not to mention you a lot of heartache.

    I disagree with you here as well, Mr Right is hard to find. Their is no Mr. Right we are all flawed. My husband is not perfect but, for that matter neither am I, but we are perfect for each other. He is the Yin to my Yang. He grounds me and gives me the mental clarity I need and I get him to see that everything is not to be taken so seriously all the time and it is ok to have fun. I love that man. I thank God for him on a regular basis. Before he came along I was so insecure and love starved I could have been a single mom holding it down. Truth is I wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t making wise choices in the men I was involved with before my husband, and I am thankful everyday that I didn’t get pregnant or worse by any of those losers before I met my husband.

    It’s not that the right man for you or anyone is not out there, you have to believe you deserve a man to love you as much as you love him and to forsake all others for you. Before I believed I deserved better I settled for not being alone and loved the one I was with. Now I realize none of them were worthy of my time or energy. When I felt (not when I _said_) I deserved someone to treat me like I would treat them I not only found him but I got myself together by going to counseling and getting rid of my skeletons so I could keep him.

    My neighbor God love her, has a good man who loves her and her kids by 3 other men besides himself, yet because she is still so insecure she doesn’t love herself, so she can’t understand how anyone else can, and she is doing everything to push him away.

    So it is not just about finding the man God intended for you. It is about finding him and yourself in the process so you can be the wife, mother and person God intended for you to be.

    I do however agree with you when you said “The problems in our society isn’t because kids are growing up in unwed households. Its lazy *** parenting”. It is not so much lazy parenting, but people are who shouldn’t have kids until they were ready to start putting their children’s needs before their own. It is selfish parenting. The people who are don’t understand that the children didn’t ask to come here and since they chose to have them they should do what it takes to guide them on this journey called life. The reason being is they didn’t get over their own past hurts and they have kids and act more like the kids and the kids grow up faster than they should and try and take care of their broken parent/s. Without healing your childhood hurts you end up taking it out on the children and they suffer because of it. How can you be an effective parent when you are nothing more than a wounded child yourself.

    Why do you think most child abusers were abused as children themselves? Even though they feel/felt horrible about what happened to them they didn’t put the past behind them and went on the same path as their abusers. Instead of saying he no child should ever have to go through what I went through growing up so I want to get the help I need so I won’t do to someone what was done to me. I know my parents tried me and my each other like crap when I was growing up. I didn’t want to do that to my husband and my children, so I didn’t just say I am not going to abuse my kids the way I was abused I took the necessary steps I needed to, to insure I would let my history repeat itself in my house.

    Also as far as women looking up and realizing that they are knocking on 40’s door and still don’t have the life the envisioned. Maybe they should make sure it is not something that they are doing that is keeping them from having said life. Some people have the standards of perfection that their spouse must require and the standard are set so high no one can ever meet their ideal. They do this not because they want more for themselves, but because they know they would be hard pressed to find someone like what they claim to be looking for because they themselves are afraid of commitment. I know a few people like that myself and I feel sorry for them, because in being afraid to be vulnerable of letting anyone get close enough to possibly hurt them, they not only keep the bad people at bay. They keep the good ones at bay themselves.

  17. Maryamb-
    Thank you for all the insightful and thoughtful comments. You had a lot of very good points. You gave me a lot to think about. I’m 25 unmarried no children. So its nice getting opinions of someone who’s in a long term healthy relationship. 😉

  18. Dee I am happy to help but I forgot to mention that I agree with you here as well “When kids start to feel unloved or unwanted they go looking for love outside of their family. And that’s what leads to trouble.

    This was me. I was looking for someone to love me, validate me and accept for who I was. I use to be ok with being the other woman. I now feel it is all or nothing. My parents were unhappy with each other and instead of trying to be better to each other they took it out on us and each other. We all suffered because of it. We use to beg our mom to divorce our dad all the time. It was and still is a very unhealthy relationship. I felt so alone and because I was outspoken against their mistreatment of me and each other I caught whipping for me and my siblings because they thought what ever they had done I had to have put them up to it. I am not angry or bitter. I learned a lot from growing up in my home. I learned I didn’t want to have a life like them.

    You will know that the person that is meant to be your spouse because they will make you want to be a better person. Or at least that is how it happened to me. In a healthy relationship you both grow and mature together. It is what helps you let go if the past. I know my husband was heaven sent. Don’t get me wrong. We have our moments but they are few and far in between. I have learned that to make it work you have to be willing to compromise. I used to always want me way, but I have since realized that if I always win then he always loses. If he always lost how could he be happy? If I loved him how can I stand to be the one to make him unhappy. That’s why I thank God for sending me a patient man. God knew/knows just what I need.

    You seem like a very intelligent person I am sure you will find what you are looking for in the life. Goodluck to you.

  19. @Maryamb

    Thank you

  20. Noone needs to judge anybody. No ones relationship is better than the next and you just never know what goes on behind closed doors! So people need to mind their business. I never knew my dad growing up and still dont.My mom never told me. I dont know if it was a good thing or bad thing. What if my mom got raped or the guy did something so devasting it was too hurtful to talk about?

    So some things are better left un answered. Everyone wants a stable and safe unbringing for their children but sometimes things just dont work. I know I refuse to be in a bad relationship just because I had your kid! Im happily married with two kids now, but some people arent that lucky. But im not going to judge them if they arent married with kids.

  21. I’m applauding Maryamb and DB for their comments. I’m a single mother myself and even though I’m doing what others call holding it down, I believe that all children belong in a functional two parent family. I lost my mother from cancer and my step-father from diabetes when I was a teenager. I was looking for love in all the wrong place and had two children by the age of 22. I took a class one semester about problem solving in the urban black communities and found out that 73% of African American female households consisted of single mothers to the 32% of Caucasian females. I feel that slavery had a deep impact on our families. I also believe that the system that we have in place has divided our families even more. Our women have been so accustomed to being head of the household that we are now accepting this as the norm. Our educated sisters look down on the man who may work for UPS or a construction company, not realizing that they just may be passing up the man that God, Budda, Jehovah or etc… has made for them .He may be the best father for their children. I don’t care who disagrees with me but our black children need two parent families. The statistics are proof and the state of our black families are in crisis.

  22. talkingwithtami I have to say I do not agree with you when you said “No ones relationship is better than the next and you just never know what goes on behind closed doors” This is so not true. I am sure you know plenty if people that have bad relationships. Just because you don’t know what goes on when you are not around don’t mean that no one’s relationship is better than the other. If you hear and man and woman fighting and calling each other out of their names on a regular basis or you see the police come to someone’s house because of domestic dispute to know when two people need to stay far away from each other. Hell a blind man can see that. You say that somethings are better left unsaid but truth be told you have a right to know about your father and the fact that you mom didn’t tell you doesn’t mean that your dad was the reason they are not together or he wasn’t a part of your life.

    You are not like me. If I were you I would have found someone to tell me what happened between the two of them. For all you know your dad may not have even known your mom had you. It could be any number of reasons. Your mom should have a least given you an option to know about your dad. She could have been artificially inseminated. It could be one of the reason you mentioned but because she never told you, you don’t know. Don’t take this the wrong way but she didn’t tell you about your dad because of her own selfish reasons. The reason I say this is not because she may or may not have had your best interest at heart but when you came of age she could have asked you if you wanted to know about him. You are a mother just like me if your husband wasn’t around do you think your kids would want to know?

    You are right sometimes things just don’t work out the way we want them to. One or both parents could die, one could get sick and become hospitalized, become mentally unstable or any number of things. You never know what life may bring but you can’t tell me because you don’t really know what happened to your father and the fact that your mom never mentioned it has you filled with doubt. If she had told you he died before you were born, how would that have affected you?

    I don’t know you but I do know when most kids don’t have a two parent home they think it is some how their fault. Her telling you about him could have alleviated a lot of your guilt and self doubt. I will say this though don’t villainize your dad until you get some answers because until then it is all speculation. He could very well be innocent if you try and see him in a positive life

  23. Steffie long time no see. I have to say I could not agree with you more. I can tell you are coming from a place of power and your kids may only have one parent but I have to say one good parent is worth more than two bad parent any day. I am so sorry you had such a rough start in life but I can tell, from your words that you are a helluva woman. You are what your life experiences made you and all though they were hard lessons you are the better for them. It is called pruning you have to clip off the bad leaves to keep the whole good and I can tell this is where you are. Your children are lucky to have you.

  24. My uncle and his first wife had two sons. They broke up when Sean was 3 and Michael was 4. And just because they couldn’t make it work. They didn’t make the kids pay for it. Sean and Michael were #1 in my uncle’s life. When they called my uncle dropped every thing and talked to them for as long as they needed. He continued to be a good father after the marriage ended. And by good I mean spending time with his kids. He helped them get ready for prom. He was at all of their college homecoming games. Aswell as being financially responaible for them. And all of that paid off with both sons being college grads and married with kids…today! They didn’t live in the same house as their father. But that doesn’t mean they were fatherless. My uncle made a loving commitment to his kids. And he lived up to that commitment until he died four years ago. My uncle showed my cousins how to be good loving men. Maryamb your right its about finding the right person. My uncle may not have been the right person for Jan (his ex-wife). But he was the right person to have children with. And truth me there were hard feels on both sides about the relationship. But they worked together to bring up their kids right.

  25. Dee girl you seem proud of your Uncle and I have to tell you, you have every right to be. He was a man tried and true. It is always good to have a positive example even in bad situations. The marriage didn’t work but the were both mature enough to be there together for the children. The evidence of love for their children is clear. It’s a beautiful thing.

    Your Uncle and his ex are a perfect example of what it means to put your children’s needs before their own.Some people are so selfish and immature they use their kids as pawns and I hate that with a passion.

  26. I’ll say all the time 50% or more marriages end in divorce and that is a clear indication that something is wrong. I think wedlock children parents live together longer than married people. What’s for you is for you.

  27. I find it interesting just how much the institution of marriage and two-parent families are under attack in today’s society. Unless a divorce occurs, a partner dies or becomes mentally unstable after a child is created between two people, becoming a single parent is a deliberate CHOICE!! I’ve heard all of the excuses… “the condom broke”, “we were just kickin’ it”, “I thought the baby would keep us together” etc. Unfortunately, when you lay down with a person who is not truly committed to you (and ONLY you), you are making a conscious decision to be a single parent, whether you intend to be or not. Personally, I find this choice a poor one considering how hard it ALREADY is to survive in this world as an average person with an average paycheck. This is what makes this celebrity baby mama/daddy “trend” even more appalling. Yes, if you have millions and millions of dollars, can afford to blow $25 bucks on a designer onesie and hire a full-time nanny without financial strain and still go to work, and never have to worry about where your kids next meal is coming from, single parenthood is VERY appealing! Unfortunately for the rest of us in the REAL world, our situations rarely turn out this carefree. The celebs are false advertisers of single parenting because in all honesty, THEY DON’T HAVE TO GO IT ALONE!! Now my homegirl D, SHE’S in the REAL world with this scenario and it’s not ONE BIT glamorous!! She’s got two kids by two different dudes. One guy she hasn’t seen since the oldest was a toddler and the other one is too busy getting high and running through every other chic that will let him in the door to be bothered with his precious 1 year old daughter! Now with two little girls to raise, and her general attitude that “men ain’t $#!+”, what do you think they’re going to learn from her? This is my homegirl and I love her like a sister, but the life she has, she chose to create because she CHOSE to lay down with less than worthy men! This is a freaking EPIDEMIC in our communities, and the more we (and the celebrities most of our kids look up to) act like it’s ok to perpetuate this cycle of endless struggle by CHOOSING this path, we are CERTAIN to fail to give our children the hope and the courage to live their best lives. No, marriage isn’t for everyone, but neither are kids! As women, we need to respect ourselves and our bodies enough not to let any old person have their way with us. This goes for the men too!! My brother complains all the time about his child’s mother, but he knew when he laid down with her what the situation was, and like D, he did it to himself! We need to be more responsible for our choices people!!! If you know you make minimum wage and your man is unemployed, you’d better make sure you can afford condoms or just leave all that ALONE! It’s not easy to be celibate but it CAN be done and it’s a whole heck of a lot easier than raising a child on your own because you made the wrong choice.

  28. @Mel>>>You so eloquently spoke what I could not convey. I cosign and concur 1,000% w/what you said. Excellent post.

    I find that people love the scenario, “Well if the kids are raised in a loving home what difference does it make if the parents aren’t married?” Well that sounds nice in good, but unfortunately that’s not the reality in the black community. The reality is what Mel described with her friend to decided to procreate with unworthy men and now thinks men aren’t sh*t. I also think men ought to be responsible for their penises. They get a pass way too often.

    Also, why is it that we quote the 50% failed marriage rate and not the other 50% or so that are happy. Poster Maryamb described a very happy, healthy marriage so why not focus on that. There are happily married people in this society. Marriage can be very beautiful.

  29. Why do people quote the 50% divorce rate of married folks without considering the counterpart to that statistic? Is it to garner a false sense of security and stability for the single life? Believe it, 50% of marriages might end it divorce but the percentage of non-married people who split is off the charts.

  30. I’m a proponent of “married with children” and believe that many unwed mothers quote broken marriage statistics to feel better about themselves… Sigh !

  31. Mel, Mel was the nickname my grandparents had for me. I have to say I like your post. You go girl. I could not agree with you more. Please tell me that one thing though. Is either of D’s children a boy? Is so she has to be very careful of how she expresses her attitude around the kids, but if one is a boy she really has to watch herself because he might start to feel he ain’t worth *%$^. I honestly think this is how this whole epidemic continues to grow.

    First you get a loved starved women who needs to feel wanted so bad they would turn to anyone to make them feel loved without any consideration as to his sexual health, what kind of person he his, does he really care about her or is he just trying to get in her pants, or anything of that nature. Then she gets pregnant and he is gone on to his next hit and run victim.

    Because she doesn’t realize that you can’t turn a whore in to a house wife and she doesn’t want to be lonely she tries her hand again. Basically the same man in different packaging and is left alone with another kid. Then instead of her realizing that is her choice in men and not men themselves that are no good she passes along to her children this same attitude because they emulate everything we do and they grow up and repeat the cycle.

    I am different than most people where I do my damnedest to make lemons into lemonade. I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers only three of us are married and 5 of us have kids. My oldest sister follow my mom and got pregnant at 19 and had her first son. Then went on to have a few abortions and then had two other kids. All of them have different dads. The two younger kids dads are in and out of jail and all three of the kids dad’s were abusive to her. My twin had four kids by the same man and he was abusive to her. One of the kids died because she went into early labor because she got pregnant right after having her uterus scrapped because the kids dad keep cheating and gave a genital warts. The third child she had an abortion and ended up getting pregnant two months later anyway. My oldest brother is married with children he got married at 18 and the are still together. They adopted kids because his wife has sickle cell and they don’t think she can make it through the pregnancy. I of course am married with 4 children. My little brother has one son and he is not married and the female he had the baby with has 3 different men. One being my bother. She was very abusive to him and she cheated on him. The other two sisters don’t have kids and one is married.

    My siblings seem to have for the most part followed my mom in making poor choice because they were loved starved. My dad cheated on my mom and her first husband my two older siblings dad was abusive. I didn’t ever have a man to hit me while we were dating. Now when I moved on I had a few stalk me which is scary as hell but, I felt like this my dad beat me enough while I was growing up. I damn sure wouldn’t going to let a man beat me. I am happy my husband and I have a great relationship that alone lets me know that my kids are not going to be like my siblings and my parents. I broke the cycle because I didn’t want my kids growing up feeling the way I did. In doing so I know they won’t be loved starved the way I was and the decisions and life choices they make won’t be from desperation but due to good examples set by loving parents.

  32. @Maryamb: Congrats for breaking the cycle!! My girl D has no sons but the messages she is sending to her daughters about men will be just as damaging! D’s own father ran around on and beat her mother as often as he got drunk which was almost every day, so I know where she got her ideas about men from. It is unfortunate that she thinks that she can do no better than what she has done for herself and it saddens me that she never really had a chance to know a different side of life. She looks at me and sees a “perfect” life, when the reality is that my mother broke the cycle by choosing her children over staying in an abusive marriage, a choice that has empowered me, as her only daughter, to make better choices and to recognize that my heart and body are precious gifts that should not be taken lightly. Good examples set by loving parents (my mother is now happily married to her high school sweetheart) is what has made the difference in my life. The world desperately needs more sets of ACTIVE loving parents. Thank you for your post!

  33. I was raised in a picture perfect middle class home and my parents have been married for 33 years….but the fact that my dad was a womanizing alcoholic makes me wish i’d taken my chances with a single mom. what i learned from marriage is how to win an arguement and stash cash rant and wave that piece of paper in heffas faces lol.

  34. Shayla honey what you describe is not picture perfect your parents may have been married but their relationship was not a good example. It all comes down to making the right decisions. If they were going to stay together they should have learned how to build each other up and not tear each other down. My mom and dad are still married and their relationship sucked when I was a kid and it sucks now, but unlike you I learned that I wanted better for myself and my family than what I had growing up. Everything is all about perception. If you choose to see the bad in everything you will get more of the same plus you will hate your life. You choose to celebrate your blessing and you get more of the same and you will be happy.

    I personally think it is not really about the environment you grow up in, but the person you think you are. I am a prime example of that. My childhood sucked but I overcame it and I am a better stronger person for it. I couldn’t find what I needed in my home so I found people outside of my home who believed in me, it made a world of difference to me.

  35. Mel your mother is truly inspirational. She made a bad choice for her husband but she learned from her mistake so her baby didn’t have to. I wish my mother had done the same but that is neither here nor there. What’s done is done and I have a good life now no matter how badly it started.

    If you are like me I am sure you wish you could get D to see that just because she had a bad childhood her adult life doesn’t have to be bad as well. Believe me you don’t know how many time I could take my sisters and bother and open their house to see what they are missing out on because they don’t think they deserve any better. I can’t so I just continue to pray and hope one day they will see that if I did it so can they, all they need is the desire.

  36. Sorry I meant open their eyes, not their house

  37. @DB

    Well, well, well…

    I just spent the last 15 minutes or so reading everyone’s opinions on the meaning of marriage…or lack thereof.

    First of all, BIG SHOUT OUTS TO DB…spoken like the true Queen that you are. It’s easy to condemn those for the same things that you’ve have done BUT it takes HONOR and COURAGE to admit your mistakes and speak of the Truth…so I tip my hat to you. GO GIRL!!!

    Also, BIG SHOUT OUTS TO MEL…you beautifully conveyed a message that needs to be plastered on every billboard in America.

    As for the nay-sayers I have a question for you…(especially the ladies). Would you really feel like a woman of honor and value if a man decided to lay with you, PLANT HIS SEED IN YOU (whether it was intentional or not) but decided not to claim you?

    And men, (if there were any in this post)…would you feel like a man of power and respect if you let a woman carry your child yet refuse to do right by your namesake by not marrying her?

    Some may argue that marriage is not for everyone OR a child is no reason to get married…then if that is true, why bring a child into a loveless relationship or even if there is love, why deny the child the right to see how a COMMITTED relationship should look like?

    Reading this post has REINFORCED my belief in the sanctity of marriage…

  38. I’m so sick of people thinking that piece of paper is what is gonna make a child turn out good or bad.i grew up with my father in the home and it was like he wasn’t even there. I hardly if ever got and I love you .took a family trip had a family dinner night or nothing.being married does make a good mother or mother had no backbone when it came to my if I have to be choose to be marriedor not married to be a mother I choose motherhood out of wedlock anyday and I am doing a pretty good job at it alone.

  39. @Mama Cee
    No one said that a marriage determines whether or not you are a good parent. However, your statement about your father confirms just how important it is for a child to have two parents who are active, LOVING parents (this includes loving toward each other)in their home. My daddy gets on my mother’s NERVES sometimes, but he is a good Christian man, a good provider, an amazing father, and her best friend. Witnessing such love and compassion in my parents’ relationship has set a standard for me as to the type of man I want and the level of commitment I want in my own life. I have seen the other side of this coin-the bad marriage, the effects of the absentee father (which I think is unfair to a child when a mother makes a conscious choice to have a child without a real commitment), the struggle of the single father (my brother is one), and the stress that is placed on a kid who is shuffled back and forth between parents and homes. Marriage is more than a piece of paper and the lack of this type of commitment has had a negative domino effect in our communities. After all, the family is the foundation of the community.

  40. Contrary to many of your beliefs, marriage is not a piece of paper. Beyond the relationship aspects of marriage, there are legal aspects as well. Marriage, unlike a relationship or engagement, cannot just be broken off after an argument, after you begin to grow apart, after one person cheats, after you begin to fight or hit each other, etc. There are many legal aspects of marriage that prohibit just an easy walk away. Then the relationship aspects come into play to make marriage even more complicated.

    So now that we have established that marriage is not a piece of paper, being in that serious of a bond as marriage [now it isn’t as sacred as it was in the past] it HEAVILY affects the development of the child or children. It has been scientifically suggested [not proven, because only experiments can create cause-effect relationships and it would be unethical to do an experiment of that nature] that being in a stable home with people who support you and are reliable makes for better adjusted, more well-rounded, less delinquent, and overall less dangerous children.

    I’m not saying that marriage creates the perfect environment for a child to be raised in, but as teen pregnancy, crime, poverty, and suicide rates go up at the same time that marriage rates drop considerably, it is obvious that marriage means more than what it is diminished to in this decade in relation to the way it affects children.

  41. I had read some of these posts. What I find amazing is that a lot of people are saying the right things. Imagine if everyone of us knew somebody that knew somebody that knew somebody doing and saying the right things that I see on here. Those percentages would be low. Guess what they aren’t. My point is as a community we say what looks good but don’t do what we say. I can say I’m a father of two and have been married for almost four years. Marriage is a challenge. Overall i enjoy it. What it boils down to is choice. People are choosing to do this to themselves. It doesn’t matter what religion you are. We know right from wrong. People just take the easy way out and make excuses.

  42. Myk, I could not agree more. Most people want to do whatever they want and don’t want to have to answer for it. They make excuse all the time because it is easier than owning your wrong. Anything in life worth having is worth fighting for. Chances are if you know if the person you are sleeping with is the kind of person that would be a good parent. Most don’t think past the fact that hey this feels good. Then have a kid and the kids have to suffer for the sins of the parents.

  43. I agree with Teri. Marriage really is a great thing. You shouldn’t just sleep with someone and have kids by different people because that isn’t cute at all. Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. It is a commitment that God put together for a man and a woman. He likes it when people are at least married when they have kids. It doesn’t have to be a religious issue. It’s the truth! At the same time you may have bf/gf that are great parents. I’m not a religious person so to speak but I do believe that everyone including the children would benefit from the relationship if couples would just get married and stop “shacking” with each other. That would be the right thing to do.

  44. Whoo!! You people is something else! How can you reprimand someone else for what they are doing? So you saying that you’ve never had a child out of wedlock or was married had a child and then got divorced. Too only hookup with someone, get pregnant and then have another child and not be married????? Yes and no, right? Well just because it happened to you and you regret it doesn’t mean when it happens to someone else, that they regret it. Or that they should. I’m reading the comments left and you all have valid points, but try reprimanding the men as well as the women. What, are you all one-sided on this? looks like it. I did not see one mention of men having children out of wedlock. I find that women can actually hold it down and raise their child without a father being around or saying those two magicial “I DO!”
    That scenario is for you women and men who are on here being fake ass judges who felt you screwed up because they screwed up. But if those kids came out alright, doing the right thing, respectful and the shining star in your life, then you did the right thing. you know what that means? YOU DIDN’T GIVE UP!! YOU DID WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO!! DEAL WITH IT!!
    But if your results were something different, that means you gave up something within yourself. Understand?
    You don’t need a man or a woman to give your child or kids great parents or do great parenting. you just need yourself and the will to not give up.

    Leave the reprimanding to the real judges! Ones who actually get paid for it.

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